I am tired of this game. Today marks our half way point, 47 days spent in bed or on the couch, 6 and a half weeks spent rewiring myself from staunchly independent to willingly dependent. I marked this day on my calendar thinking it would be one of excitement and celebration. Instead, it has been one of anxiety and darkness. The thought of 47 MORE days spent doing the same is enough to send me into a downward spiral. One where sleep envelopes me, gently providing at least a temporary respite from the reality of this thing called bed rest.
I understand that this situation is temporary. That blessings are tiny specs of light in the this midnight colored world and that I must only lift my eyes to the heavens in order to see them. But to be honest even that simple act seems too much right now. I can feel myself pulling away, retreating into the depths of my own self trying to cope yet feeling so inadequate. At least the darkness feels authentic, the light feels artificial.
Tears flow over the strangest situations further indicating the extent of my instability, yet even in this I cling to the fact that darkness can only last for a time. Just as day repeatedly banishes the night, the blessings will once again outweigh the inconveniences if I allow them to. God has ordained my time here and I will praise Him through this storm, when the winds rage and the rains come, I will praise Him.
1 comment:
Hang in there. I haven't been on bed rest nearly as long as you have and I only have about a month total but I know what you mean about more of the same. I wish I had some kind of advice but you've probably heard it all. I block my days off into a schedule of internet time, television shows, meals, online streaming, computer games, and time with the kids (helping with homework, watching tv, eating with me in bed, etc). Days are pretty much the same but I've found that getting addicted to different books/shows has helped. Do you have netflix? Right now I'm all about Emily Owens MD and am watching back episodes online. But I also keep up with Revenge, Vampire Diaries, The New Girl, Bones, Switched at Birth, Downton Abby, Beauty and the Beast, Top Chef, HBO shows and other guilty pleasure reality tv. Ask around, get some recommendations on book/ television series to kill time. I loved the Sookie Stackhouse books (and there's a TON. Enough material to take you out of your home and slap you down in the louisiana bayous with hunky vampires for weeks). Do you have a library card? Maybe somebody could pick up/drop off books for you or you could do it online or by phone. If you have a kindle app on your computer, you can also buy and download them from amazon and read the on your laptop.
Post a Comment