Layers

"It never ceases to amaze me how we pray and pray to see God's hands move.  Yet, even when we do we still fight against the work He is trying to accomplish."

Like a craftsman preparing to restore a damaged piece of furniture, I can feel Him using this time, stripping away the layers of my pride and independence.  Yet my entire being is kicking, screaming, and crying out in agony with each pass of the blade.  My body and mind are tired, my soul is weary, and the pain is real.   I am scared of how much more He will ask of me, I am not sure I how much more I can take.  So how do I willfully surrender to this discomfort?  How do I "count it all joy" as we are urged to in James 1 when my spirit is anything but joyful? 

I think that this is the crux of my relationship with Christ, this inability to fully release the grasp I have on what I consider "mine."  My independence has at times defined me and I relished in the ability to "do it all," but how many times did it blind me to occasions He presented?  How many opportunities did I miss to share His goodness, His grace, or His comfort because I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and desires? 

Perhaps what I thought was an integral part of "me" the Lord looked at more as thick coat of poly. Something that covered up the reality of what was hidden underneath with a shiny exterior, one that looked good but was also impenetrable.  What if what I thought of as a shield others saw merely as hard?  Maybe it is only through the painful scraping of each layer that Christ can be seen, when we are exposed, when we are raw and unprotected, that His work can be completed.  Maybe it is only through my brokenness that others can see His light in me. 
    

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the trying of your faith worketh patience.  But let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."  James 1:2-4

Beauty from Ashes

Chiffon, tulle, and satin spilled from the racks, transforming the room into a thing of beauty with little effort.  This was a place of magic, this bridal store that held within its confines the dress that I would wear when I pledged my life to my forever love.  My hands couldn't help but reach out and touch the gowns that I had spent hours perusing online.  The "perfect" dress was already pulled in anticipation of my arrival and as I stood in the dressing room I drank in the moment, overwhelmed by the magnitude of emotions that coursed through my veins, overcome by the reality of the event, this moment in time of which little girls dream.  The satin skimmed against my skin and I relished the feeling of "my" gown as it hugged my body in  all the right places.

I stepped onto the platform fully expecting to love what I saw yet instead I HATED it.  This dress that adorned my desk in countless pictures was not at all what I was expecting, not at all what I was wanting.  My mom instantly noticed the distress on my face and my sisters ran to pull countless options from the overflowing racks.  Dress after dress was met with disappointment until only two remained.  One a beautiful mermaid flare that fit like a glove, but covered with lace, an option I had never even considered, it didn't seem like me.  The other an A-Line adorned with beautiful scroll work forming a cross on the train and delicate pearl detailing along the bust.  The design I loved, the fit I despised.

Not willing to commit to either I left the salon frustrated, irritated, and saddened by the prospect of being unable to find "the" dress.  My mom felt like it would serve me well to take a step back so we went to a local mall.  My sisters were concerned, none of the joy that should be present on such a day was evident in my demeanor.  When I squealed over the procurement of a denim jacket they all felt the day was lost. 

Pregnancy for me is much like that trip.  It was something I dreamed of, something I prayed for, something I looked forward to with joy and anticipation.  Yet after two miscarriages, one micro-preemie, one full term delivery, the diagnosis of an incompetent cervix, an emergent cerclage, and 14 weeks of bed rest, it is instead a journey riddled with trepidation, anxiety, and fear. A constant awareness that the light at the end of the tunnel just might be a train.

No one prepares you for the "ugly" side of this experience and in truth no one can.  Each road is different requiring first hand travel for knowledge to be gained and wisdom garnered.  No one can explain the depth of hurt that follows the loss of a child or the sea of emotions that accompany seeing your daughter fight for a life full of unknowns.  No one can prepare you for the emotions that come when the bottom falls out once again or foresee the sacrifices required to bring a healthy child into this world.

We headed back to store for one last attempt and were met at the door by their seamstress who was convinced she could combine the fit of the one with the design of the other.  I slipped into the A-Line again and watched skeptically as she pulled and pinned, clipped and folded the gown, shaping it into something new entirely.  After what seemed liked hours she stepped back and told me to look.  I did, and was amazed at the transformation that had taken place.  Something I despised had been turned into a thing of beauty...

 



Our Lord, like the seamstress, is waiting to make something of beauty from situations that to us seem impossible. We are promised in Isaiah 61:3 that the Lord will "...provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of His splendor."  Sometimes we just have to open our eyes.     

Please Lord may mine be open...

Bed Rest Date Night

Yesterday the girls hung out with their Auntie ALL day so I got to spend some quality time with this guy :)  We (he) had big plans to get some things done in order to put the house on the market but instead decided to just chill...  It was exactly what we both needed.  This journey has not been easy but the hubs has handled it like a champ.  There is not a day that goes by where I am not overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness and the LOVE that he has for all of his girls. 

Date night used to mean cute clothes, hair, makeup, and dinner out, throw bed rest in the mix and it means hats, hoodies, pizza, and a movie.  To everything there is a season, for right now this is ours and to be honest last night we really enjoyed it. 

Strength

Thanks to a sweet friend I am working through BRAVE , my first Angela Thomas study, and so far I am throughly enjoying it.  The premise of the study is finding biblical answers to the honest questions that women ask.  With weekly topics like "I Am Worn Out," "I Am Suffering A Thorn," "I Am Undisciplined," "I Am Trembling Inside," "I Am Invisible," and "I Am Broken" it seems to cover the entire range of emotions that accompany this journey.  I LOVE watching how God weaves the words that we need to hear into our lives at the perfect moment and as I read through this weeks lessons I was overcome by the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. 

The study delved into Isaiah 40:28-31..."Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." 

I have heard verse 31 on countless occasions but have never really paid attention to those verses that preceed it.  I am so thankful that she presented it in a manner that made me.  How awesome is it that we serve a God that will not grow weary and is perfect in His understanding?  It is so easy to feel isolated and alone during this journey, so easy to be overcome by the thought that no one understands, but these verses give hope.  In fact they say that if we put OUR hope in the Lord that will renew our strength.  I needed that.  I needed to know that I am not alone, that not only does someone understand but they do so perfectly, and that I need to only place my hope in Him to receive renewal. 

The longer I am on bed rest the more convinced I become that this battle is primarily a mental one.  Don't get me wrong the physical aches and pains are real but it is the war raging in my head that has the ability to debilitate me. 

 

How refreshing it is to know that when I am weary He is strong, when I am overcome by the darkness He is the perfect light.   

Paint

As the days go by I am beginning to find myself frustrated with the routine that I have established. What once was comforting is now irritating, the monotony is starting to take its toll. It's almost as though I contracted the mid-semester blues like so many of did in college. Those classes we were so excited to take consistently fell from grace after 7 weeks in the classroom. Yet I can now change my schedule without fear of losing my scholarship and today I took full advantage of the freedom to do so.

I silenced the alarms on my phone and quickly gathered materials, the smile on my face returning as I stared at the blank canvas before me. Back and forth my brush began adding layer upon layer of color, bringing life and warmth to what was once cold and barren.

I used the dark to outline the bright, to highlight the richness within, and as I examined my work I couldn't help but wonder if our lives werw any different?

It is so easy for me to imagine God...shading and developing me into the servant He wants me be. Yet upon closer inspection it is with life that He paints. The joys and sorrows, the laughter a and the tears, all blended together to make a thing of wonder. What if it is those times of darkness that truly amplify His light? What if it only through the trials that we finally see the beauty of the work He is creating no matter how painful it may be?

Tuesday Top Ten

Yesterday was rough but just as the darkness seemed like it was going to overcome me the Lord provided evidence of His Son.  I wish I knew how to navigate this road a little better but the as I was surrounded by unexpected blessings I realized that the light was there I just needed to open my eyes. 

 

I thought it only fitting to list some of the things that are making me grin...

 

1. Flowers from my pretty momma.
2. SF grapefruit flavored water.  Mixed with orange juice over ice...AMAZING!
3. My large field embroidery machine came back the repair center.  Praying it works now!
4. Out of the blue texts to check on me and little bit #3.
5. Sweet surprise from an old friemd.
6. SF French Vanilla Latte...need I say more?
7. Love that girl.
8. Unexpected blessing from a dear friend..
9. Paired with 10 = the PERFECT snack
10. See above.  Does admitting I am addicted make it ok?

 

When the Rain Comes

I am tired of this game.  Today marks our half way point, 47 days spent in bed or on the couch, 6 and a half weeks spent rewiring myself from staunchly independent to willingly dependent.  I marked this day on my calendar thinking it would be one of excitement and celebration.  Instead, it has been one of anxiety and darkness.  The thought of 47 MORE days spent doing the same is enough to send me into a downward spiral.  One where sleep envelopes me, gently providing at least a temporary respite from the reality of this thing called bed rest.

I understand that this situation is temporary.  That blessings are tiny specs of light in the this midnight colored world and that I must only lift my eyes to the heavens in order to see them.  But to be honest even that simple act seems too much right now.  I can feel myself pulling away, retreating into the depths of my own self trying to cope yet feeling so inadequate.  At least the darkness feels authentic, the light feels artificial. 

Tears flow over the strangest situations further indicating the extent of my instability, yet even in this I cling to the fact that darkness can only last for a time.  Just as day repeatedly banishes the night, the blessings will once again outweigh the inconveniences if I allow them to.  God has ordained my time here and I will praise Him through this storm, when the winds rage and the rains come, I will praise Him. 

Today

Today I am tired, worn out, exhausted…  The irony of being tired while I am on bed rest is not lost on me but that is where I am.  My body is aching from the days of inactivity, each hour seeming progressively worse than the last. The lack of real sleep and the screaming of my hips is all culminating in a feeling of misery.  I struggle to maintain perspective, knowing that this is only for a time and the reward is great but sometimes it is hard. 

 

 I know that it has long been said that comparison is the thief of joy but sometimes, just sometimes, if you allow it, it can also be the reminder of blessings.

• Every time the pain becomes unbearable I must remind myself thousands of NICU mommas would have given anything for one more day of aches…
• Every time I am irritated because I can’t go grab what I need I must be thankful that I have a husband who has willingly purchased fake eyelashes, the correct conditioner, and any snack my heart desires without the bat of an eye or even a snicker. 
• Every time I am frustrated that I can’t sleep I must remember that there are millions of people that can’t sleep, at least mine is temporary.
• Every time I am at wit’s end with MG and her homework I must be appreciative, there was a time when we weren’t sure she would ever have it.
• Every time the stretching of my muscles makes me wince I must keep in mind it is a sign that our precious little girl is still growing within me.
• Every time I am disappointed because I can’t see my students I must be grateful, I might not be able to hear them either.
• Every time 8 more weeks seems like an eternity I must remind myself that when MG made her appearance I would have jumped at the chance if it would have prevented her early birth. 
• Every time AF gets a little crazy I must remember that just weeks ago I was envious of the one on one time she and her daddy had.

 Today I will be thankful...even if I am tired.

Lessons Learned

• Time with God is always time well spent.
• No matter how hard I try I will never be everything to everyone.
• My husband's arms have miraculous powers. When I am wrapped in them, they make everything else fade away.
• New sweats can be just as exciting as a new dress...it just depends on the time in your life.
• Accepting help doesn't mean I am weak it means that I am smart enough to know I can't do everything on my own.  
• My children don't care about the BIG things in life.  It's the cuddles, the stories, the giggles, and the games that make their day.
• If the floors aren't mopped and the counters aren't clean life will go on.
• Life happens in the minute not the milestones. 
• Not every day is going to be a good one.  Anticipate and appreciate the valleys...without them you wouldn't understand the beauty of the view from the mountain top.
• If the girls clothes don't match it isn't the end of the world...especially if they are out with Daddy.
• Fuzzy socks make even the worst day a little bit brighter.
• Having a "to do" list is good but knowing when to throw it out the window is even better.
• Embracing the life I have been given ensures that one day I won't look back and wonder where it went.
• Investing in people instead of things has a much higher ROI.
• Admitting you are not perfect takes strength, realizing you don't want to be displays wisdom. 
• Most days the only thing I have control over is my attitude.  Good or bad, that one thing changes 99% of the way I view everything else.
• Friends make life 100xs sweeter.
• The best place to cry is the shower.
• Books are way cheaper than plane tickets and sometimes the trip is even more exciting.
• Alone time will never have the same meaning.
• Sometimes life is hard but God is ALWAYS good.

26 and 3

August 16, 2005 started out like any other morning. 

3am
ERR...ERR...ERR...ERR...  Flailing in the darkness I silenced the alarm that threatened to  disturb my sleeping husband and quietly as possible I rolled my ever growing body out of bed.  Replaying the events that had taken place the night before I had to giggle,  "Hurry up Bethany otherwise we are never going to be able to take a walk," my mother called.  I groaned and pushed heavily to my feet, my back protesting the movement.  "I just don't think my body is made to be fat."

I showered quickly and dressed for the day amazed at the way my belly stuck out from under my uniform making it appear as though I was wearing a tent instead of a shirt and after struggling to tie my shoes I tiptoed to the door.  Opening and closing it without a sound I stepped into the dark.  There was something about the stillness of the morning and the crisp feel of the air surrounding my body that made me feel alive, new, in awe.  The stars were just beginning to fade as I climbed into my car and headed to work.  Unwilling to break the silence I mentally ran through the list of things that needed to be accomplished before the day was complete. 

4am
Work...meeting with my advisor...walk...groceries...the list continued until I pulled into my parking space and turned off the engine.  My abdomen tightened as I opened my door but I shrugged it off due to the normal aches and pains of pregnancy.  I was 26 wks and 2 days so the growing and stretching was in full swing and after the loss of two babies I was relishing each kick, pull, and jab no matter how painful they might be. 

6am
I went about my morning duties occasionally noting the recurrence of the tightening.  Over and over I would feel the twinge and although I was convinced that I was imagining things I began a log.  Within an hour a pattern was evident.  My mind raced as I typed "signs of preterm labor" into the search engine on the office computer. 

6:30am
I clicked on the March of Dimes link and my heart stopped, the world around me fading into the background.  Contractions...change in VD...pelvic pressure...low, dull backache...pelvic cramps...abdominal cramps...six symptoms and I had four. The incessant ringing of the phone seemed to last an eternity as I waited for the on call doctor to pick up.  Finally he answered and after a five minute discussion I was asked to come in for observation.  "I am sure you are fine" were his words "Everything was perfect on Friday..."  "Let's just be on the safe side" 

7am
Dialing my husband's number I once again waited anxiously.  He answered in a groggy state of mind trying valiently to make sense of the rapid stream of words being hurled at him.  Finally, something broke through and he understood that I was on my way home and we had to head to hospital.  Hanging up I crumbled...what was going to happen, how would this end up?  The trail of questions left little room for any other thoughts.  Motor memory took over and before I could comprehend what had taken place I arrived home.

7:40am
Silently I changed out of my uniform and into pink lounge pants, a white maternity tank and a NIKE ball cap.  Reassurances poured in as news spread of the situation yet for some reason I was unable to feel any of the hope that they tried to give.  Over and over prayers were whispered.  Pleas that everything would be alright.  That the baby growing within me would be safe.  That the labor (if that was what it was) could be stopped. 

8am
My mom arrived and the three of us headed outside to load up.  I was climbing into the back of the truck to lay down when I heard the hubs say something about a camera.  Angry, I thought how a camera was unneeded...even if this baby did come today there was no way they would make it.  Attempts at small talk did little to calm my nerves and soon a heavy silence fell upon the cab, each of us enveloped in our own thoughts, our own "what ifs."

9am
Within an hour we were on the elevators that would take us to L and D.  I felt sick to my stomach and the tightness that had subsided during our trip had returned. The unknown that waited beyond those doors was overwhelming.  My feet seemed glued to the ground as they opened.  I couldn't do this.  I shouldn't have to do this.  This wasn't supposed to be happening.

One foot followed the other until we arrived at our room.  This just wasn't right...I had dreamed of the day I would deliver our baby but never did the dream go like this.  It was always surrounded by feelings of joy and happiness not trepidation and fear.  Numbly I changed into the hospital gown and answered question after question from the nursing staff.  Charts were filled out, tests were run, but all with a certain nonchalance. 

10:30am
The midwife arrived, boisterous and bubbly, convinced that although I was contracting, this baby was far from being born.  She reviewed exercises that would help with my lower back ache, even going so far as to get on all fours on the hospital floor to demonstrate, and discussed options for treatment if an infection was evident. 

The on call doctor stepped into our room and he repeated many of her sentiments, sure that nothing would take place anytime soon.  He ordered that a shot of surfactant be administered "Just be on the safe side..."

13:15pm
The calm was beginning to return, the medical professionals were convinced that it was "nothing" so it must be.  I joked with my mom...apologized to my husband, I know I woke him but I would make it up, promise.  At that moment a nurse walked in holding my lab reports.  The peace shattered instantly.  The fetal fibronectin (fFN), a test indicating the possibility of labor within two weeks...had come back positive.  The joking and nonchalance disappeared as options were presented and plans were set into motion for a transfer. 

14:00pm
The hubs was sent downstairs to grab a bite to eat while arrangements for the helicopter could be made.  Right after he left the contractions came on like a tidal wave and what was going to be a flight including myself and my husband now had to include a doctor willing to fly with me in what was considered an unstable condition.  The on call doctor agreed and plans were once again put into motion.  Despite their best efforts the contractions still couldn't be controlled and what they thought would be hours at the earliest turned to minutes at the most.  My mom frantically called my husband "It's happening..."  There would be no time for a helicopter, no time for a transfer, the baby was coming, and it was coming NOW.

14:45pm
Our room was suddenly flooded with nurses and staff, all rushing to make the needed preparations for our child's imminent birth.  I grabbed my hat and pulled the brim over my eyes trying to drown everything out, concentrating instead on breathing through the contractions.  The husband, trying to take my mind off of the situation began discussing names.."Brayden Luke if it's a boy right? And Mayce Grace if it's a girl?  How are we going to spell Mayce."  "M-A-Y-C-E" escaped before I could give it much thought.

15:34pm
Moments later I was told to push.  With each contraction both the fear and the pain became a little more overwhelming until the words "It's a girl" cut through the darkness.  I looked up to see this TINY but perfectly formed little girl that they said was ours.  She cried once before being rushed off to the waiting nurses and pediatrician, each of them frantically pulling from all of their medical training as they struggled to stabilize our precious little bitty. 

 

While they worked on her, the midwife and obsetrician worked on me.  Within minutes they knew the source of my preterm labor.  An infection raged within my body and Mayce's only hope of survival was to get out.

Shortly after her arrival our pastor joined us in recovery and upon learning her name he announced that she was certainly an example of "God's aMAYCEing GRACE."  Although I agreed with him in the moment is wasn't until much later that I was able to see how true that statement was.  God's hand had been evident the entire time I was just too blind to see it.

He had then just as He has now provided a way for our sweet little girl. 

Today on January 29, 2013? I am thankful to be 26 and 3. 

 

  

Bed Rest 101 - The Essentials

Now that I am almost six weeks into this journey I wanted to put together a list of the things I wish that I had know when I started.  Much like having a map makes the trip much smoother hopefully this list will help mommas who are faced with the same situation. 

1. A SCHEDULE - I know that this sounds strange but I actually have timers set on my phone to move me through different activities as the day progresses.  Breaking up your time into small increments makes it seem much more doable.  Jedi mind trick may it be, it works.
2. COMPUTER (a laptop preferably) - If you don't have one try and borrow one.  Some libraries have rental/check out programs. 
3. CELL PHONE - In many ways your cell phone and computer will become your connections with what seems to be the very distant outside world.  If your texting plan is limited prepare yourself for at least some overages. 
4. MOVIES/NETFLIX - We have Netflix streaming.  To me this is a nicety not a necessity but it does help pass the time.  It also allows me to catch up on the chick flics that my husband doesn't want to watch.
5. A TUMBLER - Mine is HUGE but this allows me to stay hydrated throughout the day while only filling it two to three times.  The straw is also a big help when it comes to downing the sheer amount of fluids that is recommended.
6. BREAKFAST TRAYS - This is how I eat 90% of the time.  The trays with the legs were a bit problematic but if you can get the ones with just the handles on the side it allows your littles to help and you can set it beside you on the bed or rest it on your growing belly. 
7. BUSYWORK - If my hands are busy then my mind doesn't have the opportunity to entertain all of the "what ifs" that accompany our situation.  If you don't know how to crochet/knit/needle point now is a great time to learn.  Your start up expense isn't high and you have something cute for your little one when you are finished.
8. BOOKS - I actually have a Kindle that I use when I teach but I hate reading off of it.  There is just something about an actual book that I love.  It's comforting and I can immediately tell how much I left.  Have books just laying around?  Now is the perfect time to tackle them and reading helps keep your mind sharp. 
9. A JOURNAL - This journey comes with SO many emotions.  Having a journal allows you to release them all without "kicking the dog" so to speak.  It also helps with perspective.  When the darkness clouds in fill your journal with things you are thankful for.  Pretty soon you will find that the sunshine is starting to peek through once again.
10. A SUPPORT GROUP - Many sites like BabyCenter have support groups for bed rest mommas.  Join one!  Finding others in your situation allows you to be an encouragement to one another and instead of feeling like an island you feel like a community. 
11. PILLOWS - The aches and pains that accompany weeks in bed are real so having ways to ease the pressure is imperative.  I have one body, two regular, two bone shaped, and an extra large pillow that are in use at various times throughout the day.  Find what you love and go with it.  What works one day minute may not work the next.  Be prepared to adapt.
12. FRESH FLOWERS/PLANT - This may seem like a unnecessary expense but that little pop of color can make such a difference when you are stuck inside 99.9% of the day.  If you have windows that open in your room and the weather allows it, open them.  Fresh air does a body and a psyche good.
13. GAMES - Especially if you have small children this is a way for you to stay involved while also staying in bed.  Candyland, Yahtzee, Memory Match, and Dominoes are big hits around our house.
14. CARD TABLE - Depending on your restrictions you may or may not be allowed out of bed for meals.  The card table allows your family to dine with you, making you feel much less like you are in exile and much more like an actual member. The legs can also be folded down to provide a hard surface for those games played on your bed. 
15. TRASH BAGS  - This one sounds silly but I am always left with trash on the nightstand table and it drives me insane.  Keep a small trash bag at the side of your bed and problem solved.
16. THANK YOU NOTES - If you are blessed enough to have people helping you let them know how appreciative you are.  I have a box of cards with a pen in it that allows me to write one as soon as a dinner is delivered or a treat is dropped off.  I feel better knowing I did "something" even if it wasn't much.
17. MAKE UP/NAIL POLISH - I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes but in a situation where you feel like being "you" has been put on hold sometimes it's nice to at least look like you.  I don't wear make up everyday but if I am having a particularly rough morning getting ready helps me get past the ugly (no pun intended).
18. PREPARED SNACKS - My husband has rocked it out in this category and has made sure that I have tons of goodies ready to go.  I have very little appetite so having a large selection makes eating a bit more appealing.
 
Everyone is different but these are what have worked for me.
Take what you can, adapt what you need to, and feel free to comment with any additions you can think of.

Different

One of the most difficult portions of this journey has been watching how it affects our girls.

  It is so easy to get wrapped up in how small my own world has become that sometimes it's difficult to see that everything has changed for them too.

 

 

  MG is an old soul.  You would never expect a seven year old to have the level of insight or depth of feeling that she possesses.  The problem is that she is also very introspective which makes it extremely difficult to know what's going on in that little head of hers until she comes to the point that she can no longer cope, then...she explodes.  After three back to back nights of dealing with atypical behavior my momma senses finally tuned into the fact that something was up.  One night can be chalked up to lack of sleep.  Two nights?  Maybe she doesn't feel well.  But three spells trouble for our little bit. 

 

While the hubs took AF for a walk MG crawled up to into our bed and just bawled.  I stroked her hair as the words came out in a jumbled mess. Her thoughts, her fears, her insecurities...  This child of mine thrives on routine and as everything around her changed she was struggling to feel "normal."  Even school couldn't act as a respite as I am no longer able to be there either.  (I teach at the academy she attends, so mornings?  They were our time.)  I just let her cry as she spoke about how different EVERYTHING was and cried with her when she talked about her new little sister.  In our effort to shield her from some of the "what if's" we had crippled her.  If she didn't have the facts she would make up her own.  How did I miss this? 

 

Finally, the tears started to slow and her breathing eased.  She curled up next to me and I just held on.  She needed me and I needed her.  This precious girl that we fought so hard for.  This little blondie that made me a mom.  This child that is transforming into a young lady before my very eyes.  We laughed as we talked about ways to spend time together despite the circumstances.  Never could I have imagined the way that the conversation would end but the next day we started "The Penderwicks."  We were determined to still go on adventures...even if we never left the room. 

15 Truths

• There is very little true rest involved.
• You will swear that you have aged 20yrs in 2wks as even walking to the kitchen becomes bothersome and let's admit it, slightly humorous for others to watch. 
• Your wardrobe, no matter how extensive, will weed itself down to two or three favorites that are worn in rotation every day of the week.
• You will begin to see doctors appointments the way you used to view date nights.
• Texting is no longer simply a means of communication it is a lifeline to the outside world.
• Days are numbered by gestation.  For instance, today is not January 22, it is 25wks and 3 days.
• Your sleep patterns will resemble that of a newborn.  3hrs down, 2 hours up, and repeat.
• Activities are no longer gauged by their worthiness but by the amount of time that they kill.
• Shower - 10 minutes
• Makeup - 10 minutes
• Reading - 45 minutes
• FB - 5 minutes and so on
• Days will drag but weeks will fly, if anyone can explain this phenomena please leave a comment doing so.
• You will be seen as a captive audience by the little people in your life.  This is entertaining until you find yourself playing CandyLand for the 10th time in two hours. 
• One second you will be fine, the next you will bawl and your husband will have no clue what he is supposed to do. 
• Your bed will soon resemble the pillow section at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Strangely enough the number of pillows seems to coincide with your weeks on bed rest.  Right now I "sleep" with 5.  I am a bit nervous what our bed will look like by week 14.
• Your children will think you have lost your senses. My four year old asked me when I was going to be better so that I could throw away my own trash. Nice AF, nice. 
• Even on bed rest you will find yourself behind on paperwork or in my case, grading.  Really?!
• Painted nails can make even the darkest day seem brighter. 

..."God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears this will laugh with me."  Gen 21:6

Roller Coaster

We are currently 33 days into this 94 day journey and today was just rough.  Our girls had a Valentines Day Mini Session (photos) and as I watched them twirl around the room in their dresses after doing their hair I was overwhelmed with how much I am missing.   And to be perfectly honest I am tired of missing out.  Even though on a logical level I understand that this is what I have been called to at the moment, that this is temporary, that time is passing (relatively) quickly, it is still hard to deal with.

I didn't go into this with illusions of grandeur, I knew when we started this "adventure" that there would be ups and downs but the emotional aspect has caught me off guard.  I swear I feel like I am on a roller coaster waiting to see what twists or turns, valleys or hills are approaching and how I am going to react.  It's much like watching a coaster run from the ground, you might have some idea of what's coming but until you are actually on the ride, you have no clue how it is going to affect you. 

The hubs has been amazing, I truly couldn't ask for more, but sometimes, just sometimes I get overwhelmed and I don't want anyone to do for me.  I want to be able to do for myself.  It's been 33 days since I have stepped foot in Wal-Mart, 33 days since I have driven a vehicle, 33 days since I have had the freedom to just "go grab" whatever I need, 33 days since I have seen my students, 33 days since I went to lunch with friends...

Yet if I allow myself to see the positives it has also been 33 days since I had to cook, 33 days since I had to run to Wal-Mart, 33 days since I had to race to school in order to get there on time, and most importantly  this precious little one within me has been given 33 more days to grow and develop.  So I am not denying that bright spots exist, it just seems that some days the darkness prevails. 

One thing I am coming to realize though is that this is not a game of perfect, nor is it a road of rainbows and butterflies.  This is a trip full of unexpected stops and countless detours but regardless of where it leads or where we end up, it's still up to me to decide whether or not I am going to bemoan or embrace it.  And I have come to realize that some days there may be moments of both.

 

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.  Isaiah 26:3-4

The First Step

After we arrived home we quickly settled into a routine that involved me laying in bed and the hubs doing everything around the house.  To some it might sound like a vacation but to me it was torture.  I am ALWAYS busy with something but for the time being the Lord had called me to rest.

Christmas came and went with little fanfare, our tree came down two days later.  I think at that point it was just too much to try and deal with on top of everything else.  We were all ready for some type of normalcy to return and even something as simple as rearranging our furniture provided moments of peace in a whirlwind of emotion. 

At our follow-up appointment our doctor once again reiterated the fact that we would have lost this precious little one if we had not placed the cerclage.  My CL (cervix length) before the procedure was 1.8cm with anything under a 2 being considered a high risk situation.  As he placed the ultrasound wand on my stomach my eyes remained glued to the screen watching the cursor and waiting for the ever important measurement.  4.71cm seemed almost magical and I finally released the breath I didn't know I was holding.  Perhaps, this ride wasn't going to be so bad after all was my first thought, and then he opened his mouth to speak.

"You work don't you?"  "Well, yes I teach full-time."  "Not anymore."  My blank stare must have finally jogged something within in him because he looked at me almost apologetically and said "I really want you down.  You may use the restroom, take a shower, make a sandwich if need be, but other than that, down, until you hit 34wks." 

Inside I was screaming, but outwardly I just nodded.  I was shutting down, unable to cope, incapable of processing the fact that I would be on SBR (strict bed rest) for 13 weeks.  There is a dream like quality that existed when I look back at that day, almost as though I was walking in a fog, one that allowed me to see the edges but not the details. 

The hubs and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and he tried to make small talk but we both knew that the elephant in the room had to be addressed.  Looking back I can clearly see God's hand at work in those minutes and every one before.  "If they let me teach online than I will be ok," I told him.  It was a glimmer, a spark of hope, something that would require me to have a set schedule and that would also allow for interaction with the outside world on a daily basis.  "Do you think that they will let you?"  "I won't know until I ask." And with that the texts were sent and the waiting began. 

That moment, though short and seemingly inconsequential in the scheme of things acted as a turning point.  The fog began to dissipate and I was finally able to see that my time spent at rest was time that I still had control over.  It was time that could be spent productively or wallowing in self-pity, the choice was mine.  The paths were laid out before me I just had to take the first step. 

The Game of LIFE

Little did we know that hours later when we heard our nurse paged to the phones it was to talk with our doctor.  Fifteen minutes passed before she came in amazed and a bit bewildered.  When the words "He is sending you home" came out of her mouth I wasn't sure whether I should squeal or cry.  Obviously going home was the end goal of all of this but when so much is hinging on a part of your body that you can't see or feel make changes, there is a certain amount of reassurance that comes from being in the hospital setting.

The hubs and I just looked at one another and started laughing at the irony of it all.  The poor man had come prepared for us to stay for days and not four hours later we were repacking everything he had just hauled up to our room.  Even though we were excited to be heading home we both knew that the next few weeks were going to be very different for our family.  It wasn't until our nurse walked in with discharge papers that we found out just how much different it would really be. 

Bed rest...may be up for meals...may get up to use the bathroom...quick showers...lay on left side preferably...stay off of back...schedule follow up for the 26th.  Her voice faded in and out as I processed what this meant for our extremely active family.  We were fully expecting that I would have to take it easy but complete bed rest?  I felt like I was playing the game of LIFE and I had just drawn one of the miss a turn cards. 

"Oh dear Lord, how will the girls react, how will I teach, the hubs is on shift work how am I going to handle a 7 and a 4 year old while he is at work?"  My list of questions was mounting and my insides were starting to twist as internally I began breaking down, the calm fleeing once agian.  The stress must have been evident on my face because seconds later the hubs reached over, took my hand, and just squeezed.  It was a silent signal, a code per say, "We've got this..."

As they wheeled me down and the hubs helped me in to the car silence prevailed.  I just couldn't quite comprehend how much our lives had changed in the span of three short days.  We caught the interstate to head home and I curled up in the passenger seat looking longingly at the cars filled with what seemed to be happy, healthy families whose only concern was finishing up all the loose ends of Christmas. 

We drove for miles it seemed before the hubs broke the silence.  As he placed his hand on my leg his gentle "Hey" was enough to make me  pull me away from the window and shift in my seat to see his face.  "I've got you and we've still got her, we will make everything else work, " and you know what?  He was right.