Little Bitty #3's Nursery

After much stress and irritation I am happy to say that everything is finally coming together and that I absolutely LOVE it.  Nurseries are so personal and after all that we have been through I wanted to make sure this little bit would have pieces that could last forever, transitioning from room to room...

Inspiration

I had planned on sharing the design board for little bit #3's nursery today but apparently my laptop has contracted a mega virus. Sad story I know...I am just praying it comes back quickly and completely restored lol! So instead I am going to leave you with the fabric that inspired the whole room. I wanted something feminine but not girly, bright but not over the top. What do you think?

Tuesday Top Ten

Yesterday was rough but just as the darkness seemed like it was going to overcome me the Lord provided evidence of His Son.  I wish I knew how to navigate this road a little better but the as I was surrounded by unexpected blessings I realized that the light was there I just needed to open my eyes. 

 

I thought it only fitting to list some of the things that are making me grin...

 

1. Flowers from my pretty momma.
2. SF grapefruit flavored water.  Mixed with orange juice over ice...AMAZING!
3. My large field embroidery machine came back the repair center.  Praying it works now!
4. Out of the blue texts to check on me and little bit #3.
5. Sweet surprise from an old friemd.
6. SF French Vanilla Latte...need I say more?
7. Love that girl.
8. Unexpected blessing from a dear friend..
9. Paired with 10 = the PERFECT snack
10. See above.  Does admitting I am addicted make it ok?

 

When the Rain Comes

I am tired of this game.  Today marks our half way point, 47 days spent in bed or on the couch, 6 and a half weeks spent rewiring myself from staunchly independent to willingly dependent.  I marked this day on my calendar thinking it would be one of excitement and celebration.  Instead, it has been one of anxiety and darkness.  The thought of 47 MORE days spent doing the same is enough to send me into a downward spiral.  One where sleep envelopes me, gently providing at least a temporary respite from the reality of this thing called bed rest.

I understand that this situation is temporary.  That blessings are tiny specs of light in the this midnight colored world and that I must only lift my eyes to the heavens in order to see them.  But to be honest even that simple act seems too much right now.  I can feel myself pulling away, retreating into the depths of my own self trying to cope yet feeling so inadequate.  At least the darkness feels authentic, the light feels artificial. 

Tears flow over the strangest situations further indicating the extent of my instability, yet even in this I cling to the fact that darkness can only last for a time.  Just as day repeatedly banishes the night, the blessings will once again outweigh the inconveniences if I allow them to.  God has ordained my time here and I will praise Him through this storm, when the winds rage and the rains come, I will praise Him. 

Roller Coaster

We are currently 33 days into this 94 day journey and today was just rough.  Our girls had a Valentines Day Mini Session (photos) and as I watched them twirl around the room in their dresses after doing their hair I was overwhelmed with how much I am missing.   And to be perfectly honest I am tired of missing out.  Even though on a logical level I understand that this is what I have been called to at the moment, that this is temporary, that time is passing (relatively) quickly, it is still hard to deal with.

I didn't go into this with illusions of grandeur, I knew when we started this "adventure" that there would be ups and downs but the emotional aspect has caught me off guard.  I swear I feel like I am on a roller coaster waiting to see what twists or turns, valleys or hills are approaching and how I am going to react.  It's much like watching a coaster run from the ground, you might have some idea of what's coming but until you are actually on the ride, you have no clue how it is going to affect you. 

The hubs has been amazing, I truly couldn't ask for more, but sometimes, just sometimes I get overwhelmed and I don't want anyone to do for me.  I want to be able to do for myself.  It's been 33 days since I have stepped foot in Wal-Mart, 33 days since I have driven a vehicle, 33 days since I have had the freedom to just "go grab" whatever I need, 33 days since I have seen my students, 33 days since I went to lunch with friends...

Yet if I allow myself to see the positives it has also been 33 days since I had to cook, 33 days since I had to run to Wal-Mart, 33 days since I had to race to school in order to get there on time, and most importantly  this precious little one within me has been given 33 more days to grow and develop.  So I am not denying that bright spots exist, it just seems that some days the darkness prevails. 

One thing I am coming to realize though is that this is not a game of perfect, nor is it a road of rainbows and butterflies.  This is a trip full of unexpected stops and countless detours but regardless of where it leads or where we end up, it's still up to me to decide whether or not I am going to bemoan or embrace it.  And I have come to realize that some days there may be moments of both.

 

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.  Isaiah 26:3-4

The First Step

After we arrived home we quickly settled into a routine that involved me laying in bed and the hubs doing everything around the house.  To some it might sound like a vacation but to me it was torture.  I am ALWAYS busy with something but for the time being the Lord had called me to rest.

Christmas came and went with little fanfare, our tree came down two days later.  I think at that point it was just too much to try and deal with on top of everything else.  We were all ready for some type of normalcy to return and even something as simple as rearranging our furniture provided moments of peace in a whirlwind of emotion. 

At our follow-up appointment our doctor once again reiterated the fact that we would have lost this precious little one if we had not placed the cerclage.  My CL (cervix length) before the procedure was 1.8cm with anything under a 2 being considered a high risk situation.  As he placed the ultrasound wand on my stomach my eyes remained glued to the screen watching the cursor and waiting for the ever important measurement.  4.71cm seemed almost magical and I finally released the breath I didn't know I was holding.  Perhaps, this ride wasn't going to be so bad after all was my first thought, and then he opened his mouth to speak.

"You work don't you?"  "Well, yes I teach full-time."  "Not anymore."  My blank stare must have finally jogged something within in him because he looked at me almost apologetically and said "I really want you down.  You may use the restroom, take a shower, make a sandwich if need be, but other than that, down, until you hit 34wks." 

Inside I was screaming, but outwardly I just nodded.  I was shutting down, unable to cope, incapable of processing the fact that I would be on SBR (strict bed rest) for 13 weeks.  There is a dream like quality that existed when I look back at that day, almost as though I was walking in a fog, one that allowed me to see the edges but not the details. 

The hubs and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and he tried to make small talk but we both knew that the elephant in the room had to be addressed.  Looking back I can clearly see God's hand at work in those minutes and every one before.  "If they let me teach online than I will be ok," I told him.  It was a glimmer, a spark of hope, something that would require me to have a set schedule and that would also allow for interaction with the outside world on a daily basis.  "Do you think that they will let you?"  "I won't know until I ask." And with that the texts were sent and the waiting began. 

That moment, though short and seemingly inconsequential in the scheme of things acted as a turning point.  The fog began to dissipate and I was finally able to see that my time spent at rest was time that I still had control over.  It was time that could be spent productively or wallowing in self-pity, the choice was mine.  The paths were laid out before me I just had to take the first step. 

The Game of LIFE

Little did we know that hours later when we heard our nurse paged to the phones it was to talk with our doctor.  Fifteen minutes passed before she came in amazed and a bit bewildered.  When the words "He is sending you home" came out of her mouth I wasn't sure whether I should squeal or cry.  Obviously going home was the end goal of all of this but when so much is hinging on a part of your body that you can't see or feel make changes, there is a certain amount of reassurance that comes from being in the hospital setting.

The hubs and I just looked at one another and started laughing at the irony of it all.  The poor man had come prepared for us to stay for days and not four hours later we were repacking everything he had just hauled up to our room.  Even though we were excited to be heading home we both knew that the next few weeks were going to be very different for our family.  It wasn't until our nurse walked in with discharge papers that we found out just how much different it would really be. 

Bed rest...may be up for meals...may get up to use the bathroom...quick showers...lay on left side preferably...stay off of back...schedule follow up for the 26th.  Her voice faded in and out as I processed what this meant for our extremely active family.  We were fully expecting that I would have to take it easy but complete bed rest?  I felt like I was playing the game of LIFE and I had just drawn one of the miss a turn cards. 

"Oh dear Lord, how will the girls react, how will I teach, the hubs is on shift work how am I going to handle a 7 and a 4 year old while he is at work?"  My list of questions was mounting and my insides were starting to twist as internally I began breaking down, the calm fleeing once agian.  The stress must have been evident on my face because seconds later the hubs reached over, took my hand, and just squeezed.  It was a silent signal, a code per say, "We've got this..."

As they wheeled me down and the hubs helped me in to the car silence prevailed.  I just couldn't quite comprehend how much our lives had changed in the span of three short days.  We caught the interstate to head home and I curled up in the passenger seat looking longingly at the cars filled with what seemed to be happy, healthy families whose only concern was finishing up all the loose ends of Christmas. 

We drove for miles it seemed before the hubs broke the silence.  As he placed his hand on my leg his gentle "Hey" was enough to make me  pull me away from the window and shift in my seat to see his face.  "I've got you and we've still got her, we will make everything else work, " and you know what?  He was right. 

The Wrong Place

 

After the procedure I was taken back to triage where they started a mag drip to counteract any contractions the placement may have caused.  At this point we weren't really sure what to expect but after finally being transferred to a room our nurse (who just happened to LOVE Gilmore Girls so we know that she was awesome) informed us that our doctor wanted me in L&D for at least 24hrs but more than likely it would end up being more. 

I should explain a bit about our doctor I guess.  He is probably in his early sixties and is an old Army doc with absolutely no bed side manner.  BUT he truly cares and it is very cautious in his approach.  With everything we went through with MG I would much rather have someone who will tell me how it is than someone who will hold my hand and fill me full of fluff.  (I have the hubs to do that lol!)

Anyway, the worst part of the whole ordeal hands down was the catheter.  Getting comfortable was impossible and sleep, which is what they wanted me to do just wasn't happening.  I finally had to ask for meds just to help keep my mind off it.  I felt like a total wimp but at that point it was either meds or rip it out.  I took what most would consider the lesser of the two.

We really struggled with what to do next.  The hubs felt so torn, he wanted to be with me yet we both knew we had two little girls at home that were confused and needed their daddy so home he went.  Being there by myself wasn't ideal but I was armed with two seasons of Gilmore Girls, Netflix, Sweettarts, and Cheez-Its so really, what more could I ask for? 

After a fitful night and a stellar breakfast of cold cereal and yogurt (I tried the "real" food the day before, let's just say I am not sure how real it was) the hubs arrived with everything we thought that we would need for our 3-4 day stay.  At this point the nurses were even discussing the possibility of me being there for Christmas.  That didn't exactly go over well but I was still contracting 3-4 times a hour and they just didn't see him releasing me anytime soon.

I tried to cling to the calm that I had felt in the OR but I was floundering as I imagined not being there when the girls woke up on Christmas morning.  I remember feeling SO devastated yet as I look back I can see God's hand in every step.  Funny how sometimes it takes simply pushing through the pain to be able to see the beauty on the other side. 

The admin came in with our admittance paperwork, the hubs signed my releases, paid my copay, and then just sat in silence as we both processed how very different the next 16wks were going to look.  After some time he reached out his hand and as I placed mine in his he looked me straight in the eye and said "It's going to be ok."   As long as I live I will never forget that moment.  It was me and him against the world doing whatever we needed to do to make sure our little girl got the best shot possible. 

I thank God for that man and that moment as it made me realize I was not alone and hadn't ever been.  I was just looking in the wrong place. 

The Unexpected Journey

I should begin by saying that nothing that I/we have ever done would be considered "normal" for some reason we always tend to be the one in a million which, as you can imagine has its ups and downs.  When the hubs and I found out that we were expecting #3 we were thrilled.  Granted it was in a kind of "Oh crud what are we going to do about A, B, and C" since the timing was a bit off from what we had discussed but nevertheless we were excited about adding another little one to the bunch. 

We knew that I would be considered high risk due to my past history but the 17p shots aren't horrid and we felt like we had traveled the road before so what was another trip.  Should have known better than to assume it would be the same.  Shortly after we found out that little bitty #3 was another precious girl I began experiencing what most books and websites would consider typical symptoms, but with my experience that just isn't ever the case.

After a call to the office, an hour and a half drive and a 15 minute visit we were faced with a new diagnosis and scheduled for an emergent cerclage at dark thirty the next morning.  That night was a struggle to say the least, my emotions would run the gamut from one extreme to the next within minutes and my poor husband just sat back and watched.  It's hard to explain to someone that hasn't experienced the same.  It's almost as though I was working through the 7 stages of grief, I was already struggling with what we had to do to bring a healthy child into this world and now this?   Even for me, someone who wasn't expecting a "perfect" pregnancy I certainly wasn't expecting what took place. 

We left for the house at 2:30am the following morning, arrived at the hospital by 4, and was I was in the OR by 5:45.  The only way to describe the entire procedure is as a God thing.  The OR was unbelievably cold and for me, someone who is cold natured anyway it was miserable.  As I sat on the operating table waiting for them to place the spinal I tried and tried and tried to bring portions of James to mind.  (I participated in the Beth Moore study last April and have large amounts committed to memory...or so I thought.)  No matter how hard I tried though it just wouldn't come but something else did.  If you have never heard Louie Giglio's Star Mash Up its worth the 14mins of your life.  Over and over this began to play in my mind, as they laid me back, as the doctor suited up, as the surgery started it remained in the background.  When two minutes later my doctor said "You are open (dilated)" the Lord graciously made it louder, drowning out everything else in the room until the procedure was complete. 

Our doctor later told the hubs that we would have lost our little girl within a week if we had not gone into the office that day.  That next week?  Was Christmas.  I was immediately overwhelmed by God's goodness and provision in spite of my crappy attitude.

And that was the beginning of this unexpected journey, the twists and turns have been many but God is faithful, so in Him I will rest...