Today

Today I am tired, worn out, exhausted…  The irony of being tired while I am on bed rest is not lost on me but that is where I am.  My body is aching from the days of inactivity, each hour seeming progressively worse than the last. The lack of real sleep and the screaming of my hips is all culminating in a feeling of misery.  I struggle to maintain perspective, knowing that this is only for a time and the reward is great but sometimes it is hard. 

 

 I know that it has long been said that comparison is the thief of joy but sometimes, just sometimes, if you allow it, it can also be the reminder of blessings.

• Every time the pain becomes unbearable I must remind myself thousands of NICU mommas would have given anything for one more day of aches…
• Every time I am irritated because I can’t go grab what I need I must be thankful that I have a husband who has willingly purchased fake eyelashes, the correct conditioner, and any snack my heart desires without the bat of an eye or even a snicker. 
• Every time I am frustrated that I can’t sleep I must remember that there are millions of people that can’t sleep, at least mine is temporary.
• Every time I am at wit’s end with MG and her homework I must be appreciative, there was a time when we weren’t sure she would ever have it.
• Every time the stretching of my muscles makes me wince I must keep in mind it is a sign that our precious little girl is still growing within me.
• Every time I am disappointed because I can’t see my students I must be grateful, I might not be able to hear them either.
• Every time 8 more weeks seems like an eternity I must remind myself that when MG made her appearance I would have jumped at the chance if it would have prevented her early birth. 
• Every time AF gets a little crazy I must remember that just weeks ago I was envious of the one on one time she and her daddy had.

 Today I will be thankful...even if I am tired.

Lessons Learned

• Time with God is always time well spent.
• No matter how hard I try I will never be everything to everyone.
• My husband's arms have miraculous powers. When I am wrapped in them, they make everything else fade away.
• New sweats can be just as exciting as a new dress...it just depends on the time in your life.
• Accepting help doesn't mean I am weak it means that I am smart enough to know I can't do everything on my own.  
• My children don't care about the BIG things in life.  It's the cuddles, the stories, the giggles, and the games that make their day.
• If the floors aren't mopped and the counters aren't clean life will go on.
• Life happens in the minute not the milestones. 
• Not every day is going to be a good one.  Anticipate and appreciate the valleys...without them you wouldn't understand the beauty of the view from the mountain top.
• If the girls clothes don't match it isn't the end of the world...especially if they are out with Daddy.
• Fuzzy socks make even the worst day a little bit brighter.
• Having a "to do" list is good but knowing when to throw it out the window is even better.
• Embracing the life I have been given ensures that one day I won't look back and wonder where it went.
• Investing in people instead of things has a much higher ROI.
• Admitting you are not perfect takes strength, realizing you don't want to be displays wisdom. 
• Most days the only thing I have control over is my attitude.  Good or bad, that one thing changes 99% of the way I view everything else.
• Friends make life 100xs sweeter.
• The best place to cry is the shower.
• Books are way cheaper than plane tickets and sometimes the trip is even more exciting.
• Alone time will never have the same meaning.
• Sometimes life is hard but God is ALWAYS good.

26 and 3

August 16, 2005 started out like any other morning. 

3am
ERR...ERR...ERR...ERR...  Flailing in the darkness I silenced the alarm that threatened to  disturb my sleeping husband and quietly as possible I rolled my ever growing body out of bed.  Replaying the events that had taken place the night before I had to giggle,  "Hurry up Bethany otherwise we are never going to be able to take a walk," my mother called.  I groaned and pushed heavily to my feet, my back protesting the movement.  "I just don't think my body is made to be fat."

I showered quickly and dressed for the day amazed at the way my belly stuck out from under my uniform making it appear as though I was wearing a tent instead of a shirt and after struggling to tie my shoes I tiptoed to the door.  Opening and closing it without a sound I stepped into the dark.  There was something about the stillness of the morning and the crisp feel of the air surrounding my body that made me feel alive, new, in awe.  The stars were just beginning to fade as I climbed into my car and headed to work.  Unwilling to break the silence I mentally ran through the list of things that needed to be accomplished before the day was complete. 

4am
Work...meeting with my advisor...walk...groceries...the list continued until I pulled into my parking space and turned off the engine.  My abdomen tightened as I opened my door but I shrugged it off due to the normal aches and pains of pregnancy.  I was 26 wks and 2 days so the growing and stretching was in full swing and after the loss of two babies I was relishing each kick, pull, and jab no matter how painful they might be. 

6am
I went about my morning duties occasionally noting the recurrence of the tightening.  Over and over I would feel the twinge and although I was convinced that I was imagining things I began a log.  Within an hour a pattern was evident.  My mind raced as I typed "signs of preterm labor" into the search engine on the office computer. 

6:30am
I clicked on the March of Dimes link and my heart stopped, the world around me fading into the background.  Contractions...change in VD...pelvic pressure...low, dull backache...pelvic cramps...abdominal cramps...six symptoms and I had four. The incessant ringing of the phone seemed to last an eternity as I waited for the on call doctor to pick up.  Finally he answered and after a five minute discussion I was asked to come in for observation.  "I am sure you are fine" were his words "Everything was perfect on Friday..."  "Let's just be on the safe side" 

7am
Dialing my husband's number I once again waited anxiously.  He answered in a groggy state of mind trying valiently to make sense of the rapid stream of words being hurled at him.  Finally, something broke through and he understood that I was on my way home and we had to head to hospital.  Hanging up I crumbled...what was going to happen, how would this end up?  The trail of questions left little room for any other thoughts.  Motor memory took over and before I could comprehend what had taken place I arrived home.

7:40am
Silently I changed out of my uniform and into pink lounge pants, a white maternity tank and a NIKE ball cap.  Reassurances poured in as news spread of the situation yet for some reason I was unable to feel any of the hope that they tried to give.  Over and over prayers were whispered.  Pleas that everything would be alright.  That the baby growing within me would be safe.  That the labor (if that was what it was) could be stopped. 

8am
My mom arrived and the three of us headed outside to load up.  I was climbing into the back of the truck to lay down when I heard the hubs say something about a camera.  Angry, I thought how a camera was unneeded...even if this baby did come today there was no way they would make it.  Attempts at small talk did little to calm my nerves and soon a heavy silence fell upon the cab, each of us enveloped in our own thoughts, our own "what ifs."

9am
Within an hour we were on the elevators that would take us to L and D.  I felt sick to my stomach and the tightness that had subsided during our trip had returned. The unknown that waited beyond those doors was overwhelming.  My feet seemed glued to the ground as they opened.  I couldn't do this.  I shouldn't have to do this.  This wasn't supposed to be happening.

One foot followed the other until we arrived at our room.  This just wasn't right...I had dreamed of the day I would deliver our baby but never did the dream go like this.  It was always surrounded by feelings of joy and happiness not trepidation and fear.  Numbly I changed into the hospital gown and answered question after question from the nursing staff.  Charts were filled out, tests were run, but all with a certain nonchalance. 

10:30am
The midwife arrived, boisterous and bubbly, convinced that although I was contracting, this baby was far from being born.  She reviewed exercises that would help with my lower back ache, even going so far as to get on all fours on the hospital floor to demonstrate, and discussed options for treatment if an infection was evident. 

The on call doctor stepped into our room and he repeated many of her sentiments, sure that nothing would take place anytime soon.  He ordered that a shot of surfactant be administered "Just be on the safe side..."

13:15pm
The calm was beginning to return, the medical professionals were convinced that it was "nothing" so it must be.  I joked with my mom...apologized to my husband, I know I woke him but I would make it up, promise.  At that moment a nurse walked in holding my lab reports.  The peace shattered instantly.  The fetal fibronectin (fFN), a test indicating the possibility of labor within two weeks...had come back positive.  The joking and nonchalance disappeared as options were presented and plans were set into motion for a transfer. 

14:00pm
The hubs was sent downstairs to grab a bite to eat while arrangements for the helicopter could be made.  Right after he left the contractions came on like a tidal wave and what was going to be a flight including myself and my husband now had to include a doctor willing to fly with me in what was considered an unstable condition.  The on call doctor agreed and plans were once again put into motion.  Despite their best efforts the contractions still couldn't be controlled and what they thought would be hours at the earliest turned to minutes at the most.  My mom frantically called my husband "It's happening..."  There would be no time for a helicopter, no time for a transfer, the baby was coming, and it was coming NOW.

14:45pm
Our room was suddenly flooded with nurses and staff, all rushing to make the needed preparations for our child's imminent birth.  I grabbed my hat and pulled the brim over my eyes trying to drown everything out, concentrating instead on breathing through the contractions.  The husband, trying to take my mind off of the situation began discussing names.."Brayden Luke if it's a boy right? And Mayce Grace if it's a girl?  How are we going to spell Mayce."  "M-A-Y-C-E" escaped before I could give it much thought.

15:34pm
Moments later I was told to push.  With each contraction both the fear and the pain became a little more overwhelming until the words "It's a girl" cut through the darkness.  I looked up to see this TINY but perfectly formed little girl that they said was ours.  She cried once before being rushed off to the waiting nurses and pediatrician, each of them frantically pulling from all of their medical training as they struggled to stabilize our precious little bitty. 

 

While they worked on her, the midwife and obsetrician worked on me.  Within minutes they knew the source of my preterm labor.  An infection raged within my body and Mayce's only hope of survival was to get out.

Shortly after her arrival our pastor joined us in recovery and upon learning her name he announced that she was certainly an example of "God's aMAYCEing GRACE."  Although I agreed with him in the moment is wasn't until much later that I was able to see how true that statement was.  God's hand had been evident the entire time I was just too blind to see it.

He had then just as He has now provided a way for our sweet little girl. 

Today on January 29, 2013? I am thankful to be 26 and 3. 

 

  

Me from A to Z

Age - 29 for real, it's not the forever kind.

Bed size - Queen, hoping to upgrade to a king soon. 

Chore you hate - Mopping, should have thought of that BEFORE we tiled half the house.

Dogs - Savannah, 8yr old Black Lab

Essential start to your day - Hot Shower

Favorite color - Turquoise and Royal Purple

Gold or silver - Silver

Height - 5'8"

Instruments you play - I can plink out a tune on the piano...other than that the radio :)

Job title - Teacher - Online at the moment.

Kids - MG (7) and AF (4)

Live - For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  Philippians 1:2

Married - 9yrs in June

Nicknames - Doodlebug, Buggy, Cupcake

Overnight hospital stays - Birth x2 and Cerclage Placement

Pet peeve - Chipped Nail Polish (Thank the Lord for Shellac!)

Righty or lefty - Righty

Siblings - Older Brother

Time you wake up - Around 6:45

University attended - New Mexico State

Vegetables you dislike - Collard Greens

What makes you run late - Life in general? Everyone who knows me feel free to laugh!

X-rays you’ve had - Dentist

Yummy food - Stuffed Sopapillas

Zoo fav - Polar Bears

Bed Rest 101 - The Essentials

Now that I am almost six weeks into this journey I wanted to put together a list of the things I wish that I had know when I started.  Much like having a map makes the trip much smoother hopefully this list will help mommas who are faced with the same situation. 

1. A SCHEDULE - I know that this sounds strange but I actually have timers set on my phone to move me through different activities as the day progresses.  Breaking up your time into small increments makes it seem much more doable.  Jedi mind trick may it be, it works.
2. COMPUTER (a laptop preferably) - If you don't have one try and borrow one.  Some libraries have rental/check out programs. 
3. CELL PHONE - In many ways your cell phone and computer will become your connections with what seems to be the very distant outside world.  If your texting plan is limited prepare yourself for at least some overages. 
4. MOVIES/NETFLIX - We have Netflix streaming.  To me this is a nicety not a necessity but it does help pass the time.  It also allows me to catch up on the chick flics that my husband doesn't want to watch.
5. A TUMBLER - Mine is HUGE but this allows me to stay hydrated throughout the day while only filling it two to three times.  The straw is also a big help when it comes to downing the sheer amount of fluids that is recommended.
6. BREAKFAST TRAYS - This is how I eat 90% of the time.  The trays with the legs were a bit problematic but if you can get the ones with just the handles on the side it allows your littles to help and you can set it beside you on the bed or rest it on your growing belly. 
7. BUSYWORK - If my hands are busy then my mind doesn't have the opportunity to entertain all of the "what ifs" that accompany our situation.  If you don't know how to crochet/knit/needle point now is a great time to learn.  Your start up expense isn't high and you have something cute for your little one when you are finished.
8. BOOKS - I actually have a Kindle that I use when I teach but I hate reading off of it.  There is just something about an actual book that I love.  It's comforting and I can immediately tell how much I left.  Have books just laying around?  Now is the perfect time to tackle them and reading helps keep your mind sharp. 
9. A JOURNAL - This journey comes with SO many emotions.  Having a journal allows you to release them all without "kicking the dog" so to speak.  It also helps with perspective.  When the darkness clouds in fill your journal with things you are thankful for.  Pretty soon you will find that the sunshine is starting to peek through once again.
10. A SUPPORT GROUP - Many sites like BabyCenter have support groups for bed rest mommas.  Join one!  Finding others in your situation allows you to be an encouragement to one another and instead of feeling like an island you feel like a community. 
11. PILLOWS - The aches and pains that accompany weeks in bed are real so having ways to ease the pressure is imperative.  I have one body, two regular, two bone shaped, and an extra large pillow that are in use at various times throughout the day.  Find what you love and go with it.  What works one day minute may not work the next.  Be prepared to adapt.
12. FRESH FLOWERS/PLANT - This may seem like a unnecessary expense but that little pop of color can make such a difference when you are stuck inside 99.9% of the day.  If you have windows that open in your room and the weather allows it, open them.  Fresh air does a body and a psyche good.
13. GAMES - Especially if you have small children this is a way for you to stay involved while also staying in bed.  Candyland, Yahtzee, Memory Match, and Dominoes are big hits around our house.
14. CARD TABLE - Depending on your restrictions you may or may not be allowed out of bed for meals.  The card table allows your family to dine with you, making you feel much less like you are in exile and much more like an actual member. The legs can also be folded down to provide a hard surface for those games played on your bed. 
15. TRASH BAGS  - This one sounds silly but I am always left with trash on the nightstand table and it drives me insane.  Keep a small trash bag at the side of your bed and problem solved.
16. THANK YOU NOTES - If you are blessed enough to have people helping you let them know how appreciative you are.  I have a box of cards with a pen in it that allows me to write one as soon as a dinner is delivered or a treat is dropped off.  I feel better knowing I did "something" even if it wasn't much.
17. MAKE UP/NAIL POLISH - I am sure some of you are rolling your eyes but in a situation where you feel like being "you" has been put on hold sometimes it's nice to at least look like you.  I don't wear make up everyday but if I am having a particularly rough morning getting ready helps me get past the ugly (no pun intended).
18. PREPARED SNACKS - My husband has rocked it out in this category and has made sure that I have tons of goodies ready to go.  I have very little appetite so having a large selection makes eating a bit more appealing.
 
Everyone is different but these are what have worked for me.
Take what you can, adapt what you need to, and feel free to comment with any additions you can think of.

Different

One of the most difficult portions of this journey has been watching how it affects our girls.

  It is so easy to get wrapped up in how small my own world has become that sometimes it's difficult to see that everything has changed for them too.

 

 

  MG is an old soul.  You would never expect a seven year old to have the level of insight or depth of feeling that she possesses.  The problem is that she is also very introspective which makes it extremely difficult to know what's going on in that little head of hers until she comes to the point that she can no longer cope, then...she explodes.  After three back to back nights of dealing with atypical behavior my momma senses finally tuned into the fact that something was up.  One night can be chalked up to lack of sleep.  Two nights?  Maybe she doesn't feel well.  But three spells trouble for our little bit. 

 

While the hubs took AF for a walk MG crawled up to into our bed and just bawled.  I stroked her hair as the words came out in a jumbled mess. Her thoughts, her fears, her insecurities...  This child of mine thrives on routine and as everything around her changed she was struggling to feel "normal."  Even school couldn't act as a respite as I am no longer able to be there either.  (I teach at the academy she attends, so mornings?  They were our time.)  I just let her cry as she spoke about how different EVERYTHING was and cried with her when she talked about her new little sister.  In our effort to shield her from some of the "what if's" we had crippled her.  If she didn't have the facts she would make up her own.  How did I miss this? 

 

Finally, the tears started to slow and her breathing eased.  She curled up next to me and I just held on.  She needed me and I needed her.  This precious girl that we fought so hard for.  This little blondie that made me a mom.  This child that is transforming into a young lady before my very eyes.  We laughed as we talked about ways to spend time together despite the circumstances.  Never could I have imagined the way that the conversation would end but the next day we started "The Penderwicks."  We were determined to still go on adventures...even if we never left the room. 

The Little Things

There is something about being stuck in a bed for 23hrs a day that makes you take account of your life and those things that you allow to fill it.  Family, friends, jobs, hobbies, books, TV shows, blogs, the list could go on for miles in my case.  Unfortunately, being surrounded by so much "stuff" means that sometimes I miss out on the little things.  The minute details that make such a big difference.

 

 A handmade bracelet from MG...

 

A handwritten note from a sweet friend...

 

 A new adventure to begin...

  

A card filled with His hope...

 

Tiny fingers that make me grin...

 

A box of sunshine filled to the brim...

 

 

So much of our lives (or at least mine) has been spent chasing the "big ones.  Yet the more and more I think about it, the more and more I am convinced that it is in the "details" not the "events" that life occurs.  It's in the everyday He calls us to Him. 

15 Truths

• There is very little true rest involved.
• You will swear that you have aged 20yrs in 2wks as even walking to the kitchen becomes bothersome and let's admit it, slightly humorous for others to watch. 
• Your wardrobe, no matter how extensive, will weed itself down to two or three favorites that are worn in rotation every day of the week.
• You will begin to see doctors appointments the way you used to view date nights.
• Texting is no longer simply a means of communication it is a lifeline to the outside world.
• Days are numbered by gestation.  For instance, today is not January 22, it is 25wks and 3 days.
• Your sleep patterns will resemble that of a newborn.  3hrs down, 2 hours up, and repeat.
• Activities are no longer gauged by their worthiness but by the amount of time that they kill.
• Shower - 10 minutes
• Makeup - 10 minutes
• Reading - 45 minutes
• FB - 5 minutes and so on
• Days will drag but weeks will fly, if anyone can explain this phenomena please leave a comment doing so.
• You will be seen as a captive audience by the little people in your life.  This is entertaining until you find yourself playing CandyLand for the 10th time in two hours. 
• One second you will be fine, the next you will bawl and your husband will have no clue what he is supposed to do. 
• Your bed will soon resemble the pillow section at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.  Strangely enough the number of pillows seems to coincide with your weeks on bed rest.  Right now I "sleep" with 5.  I am a bit nervous what our bed will look like by week 14.
• Your children will think you have lost your senses. My four year old asked me when I was going to be better so that I could throw away my own trash. Nice AF, nice. 
• Even on bed rest you will find yourself behind on paperwork or in my case, grading.  Really?!
• Painted nails can make even the darkest day seem brighter. 

..."God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears this will laugh with me."  Gen 21:6

Roller Coaster

We are currently 33 days into this 94 day journey and today was just rough.  Our girls had a Valentines Day Mini Session (photos) and as I watched them twirl around the room in their dresses after doing their hair I was overwhelmed with how much I am missing.   And to be perfectly honest I am tired of missing out.  Even though on a logical level I understand that this is what I have been called to at the moment, that this is temporary, that time is passing (relatively) quickly, it is still hard to deal with.

I didn't go into this with illusions of grandeur, I knew when we started this "adventure" that there would be ups and downs but the emotional aspect has caught me off guard.  I swear I feel like I am on a roller coaster waiting to see what twists or turns, valleys or hills are approaching and how I am going to react.  It's much like watching a coaster run from the ground, you might have some idea of what's coming but until you are actually on the ride, you have no clue how it is going to affect you. 

The hubs has been amazing, I truly couldn't ask for more, but sometimes, just sometimes I get overwhelmed and I don't want anyone to do for me.  I want to be able to do for myself.  It's been 33 days since I have stepped foot in Wal-Mart, 33 days since I have driven a vehicle, 33 days since I have had the freedom to just "go grab" whatever I need, 33 days since I have seen my students, 33 days since I went to lunch with friends...

Yet if I allow myself to see the positives it has also been 33 days since I had to cook, 33 days since I had to run to Wal-Mart, 33 days since I had to race to school in order to get there on time, and most importantly  this precious little one within me has been given 33 more days to grow and develop.  So I am not denying that bright spots exist, it just seems that some days the darkness prevails. 

One thing I am coming to realize though is that this is not a game of perfect, nor is it a road of rainbows and butterflies.  This is a trip full of unexpected stops and countless detours but regardless of where it leads or where we end up, it's still up to me to decide whether or not I am going to bemoan or embrace it.  And I have come to realize that some days there may be moments of both.

 

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trust in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.  Isaiah 26:3-4

The First Step

After we arrived home we quickly settled into a routine that involved me laying in bed and the hubs doing everything around the house.  To some it might sound like a vacation but to me it was torture.  I am ALWAYS busy with something but for the time being the Lord had called me to rest.

Christmas came and went with little fanfare, our tree came down two days later.  I think at that point it was just too much to try and deal with on top of everything else.  We were all ready for some type of normalcy to return and even something as simple as rearranging our furniture provided moments of peace in a whirlwind of emotion. 

At our follow-up appointment our doctor once again reiterated the fact that we would have lost this precious little one if we had not placed the cerclage.  My CL (cervix length) before the procedure was 1.8cm with anything under a 2 being considered a high risk situation.  As he placed the ultrasound wand on my stomach my eyes remained glued to the screen watching the cursor and waiting for the ever important measurement.  4.71cm seemed almost magical and I finally released the breath I didn't know I was holding.  Perhaps, this ride wasn't going to be so bad after all was my first thought, and then he opened his mouth to speak.

"You work don't you?"  "Well, yes I teach full-time."  "Not anymore."  My blank stare must have finally jogged something within in him because he looked at me almost apologetically and said "I really want you down.  You may use the restroom, take a shower, make a sandwich if need be, but other than that, down, until you hit 34wks." 

Inside I was screaming, but outwardly I just nodded.  I was shutting down, unable to cope, incapable of processing the fact that I would be on SBR (strict bed rest) for 13 weeks.  There is a dream like quality that existed when I look back at that day, almost as though I was walking in a fog, one that allowed me to see the edges but not the details. 

The hubs and I grabbed a quick bite to eat and he tried to make small talk but we both knew that the elephant in the room had to be addressed.  Looking back I can clearly see God's hand at work in those minutes and every one before.  "If they let me teach online than I will be ok," I told him.  It was a glimmer, a spark of hope, something that would require me to have a set schedule and that would also allow for interaction with the outside world on a daily basis.  "Do you think that they will let you?"  "I won't know until I ask." And with that the texts were sent and the waiting began. 

That moment, though short and seemingly inconsequential in the scheme of things acted as a turning point.  The fog began to dissipate and I was finally able to see that my time spent at rest was time that I still had control over.  It was time that could be spent productively or wallowing in self-pity, the choice was mine.  The paths were laid out before me I just had to take the first step. 

The Game of LIFE

Little did we know that hours later when we heard our nurse paged to the phones it was to talk with our doctor.  Fifteen minutes passed before she came in amazed and a bit bewildered.  When the words "He is sending you home" came out of her mouth I wasn't sure whether I should squeal or cry.  Obviously going home was the end goal of all of this but when so much is hinging on a part of your body that you can't see or feel make changes, there is a certain amount of reassurance that comes from being in the hospital setting.

The hubs and I just looked at one another and started laughing at the irony of it all.  The poor man had come prepared for us to stay for days and not four hours later we were repacking everything he had just hauled up to our room.  Even though we were excited to be heading home we both knew that the next few weeks were going to be very different for our family.  It wasn't until our nurse walked in with discharge papers that we found out just how much different it would really be. 

Bed rest...may be up for meals...may get up to use the bathroom...quick showers...lay on left side preferably...stay off of back...schedule follow up for the 26th.  Her voice faded in and out as I processed what this meant for our extremely active family.  We were fully expecting that I would have to take it easy but complete bed rest?  I felt like I was playing the game of LIFE and I had just drawn one of the miss a turn cards. 

"Oh dear Lord, how will the girls react, how will I teach, the hubs is on shift work how am I going to handle a 7 and a 4 year old while he is at work?"  My list of questions was mounting and my insides were starting to twist as internally I began breaking down, the calm fleeing once agian.  The stress must have been evident on my face because seconds later the hubs reached over, took my hand, and just squeezed.  It was a silent signal, a code per say, "We've got this..."

As they wheeled me down and the hubs helped me in to the car silence prevailed.  I just couldn't quite comprehend how much our lives had changed in the span of three short days.  We caught the interstate to head home and I curled up in the passenger seat looking longingly at the cars filled with what seemed to be happy, healthy families whose only concern was finishing up all the loose ends of Christmas. 

We drove for miles it seemed before the hubs broke the silence.  As he placed his hand on my leg his gentle "Hey" was enough to make me  pull me away from the window and shift in my seat to see his face.  "I've got you and we've still got her, we will make everything else work, " and you know what?  He was right. 

The Wrong Place

 

After the procedure I was taken back to triage where they started a mag drip to counteract any contractions the placement may have caused.  At this point we weren't really sure what to expect but after finally being transferred to a room our nurse (who just happened to LOVE Gilmore Girls so we know that she was awesome) informed us that our doctor wanted me in L&D for at least 24hrs but more than likely it would end up being more. 

I should explain a bit about our doctor I guess.  He is probably in his early sixties and is an old Army doc with absolutely no bed side manner.  BUT he truly cares and it is very cautious in his approach.  With everything we went through with MG I would much rather have someone who will tell me how it is than someone who will hold my hand and fill me full of fluff.  (I have the hubs to do that lol!)

Anyway, the worst part of the whole ordeal hands down was the catheter.  Getting comfortable was impossible and sleep, which is what they wanted me to do just wasn't happening.  I finally had to ask for meds just to help keep my mind off it.  I felt like a total wimp but at that point it was either meds or rip it out.  I took what most would consider the lesser of the two.

We really struggled with what to do next.  The hubs felt so torn, he wanted to be with me yet we both knew we had two little girls at home that were confused and needed their daddy so home he went.  Being there by myself wasn't ideal but I was armed with two seasons of Gilmore Girls, Netflix, Sweettarts, and Cheez-Its so really, what more could I ask for? 

After a fitful night and a stellar breakfast of cold cereal and yogurt (I tried the "real" food the day before, let's just say I am not sure how real it was) the hubs arrived with everything we thought that we would need for our 3-4 day stay.  At this point the nurses were even discussing the possibility of me being there for Christmas.  That didn't exactly go over well but I was still contracting 3-4 times a hour and they just didn't see him releasing me anytime soon.

I tried to cling to the calm that I had felt in the OR but I was floundering as I imagined not being there when the girls woke up on Christmas morning.  I remember feeling SO devastated yet as I look back I can see God's hand in every step.  Funny how sometimes it takes simply pushing through the pain to be able to see the beauty on the other side. 

The admin came in with our admittance paperwork, the hubs signed my releases, paid my copay, and then just sat in silence as we both processed how very different the next 16wks were going to look.  After some time he reached out his hand and as I placed mine in his he looked me straight in the eye and said "It's going to be ok."   As long as I live I will never forget that moment.  It was me and him against the world doing whatever we needed to do to make sure our little girl got the best shot possible. 

I thank God for that man and that moment as it made me realize I was not alone and hadn't ever been.  I was just looking in the wrong place. 

The Unexpected Journey

I should begin by saying that nothing that I/we have ever done would be considered "normal" for some reason we always tend to be the one in a million which, as you can imagine has its ups and downs.  When the hubs and I found out that we were expecting #3 we were thrilled.  Granted it was in a kind of "Oh crud what are we going to do about A, B, and C" since the timing was a bit off from what we had discussed but nevertheless we were excited about adding another little one to the bunch. 

We knew that I would be considered high risk due to my past history but the 17p shots aren't horrid and we felt like we had traveled the road before so what was another trip.  Should have known better than to assume it would be the same.  Shortly after we found out that little bitty #3 was another precious girl I began experiencing what most books and websites would consider typical symptoms, but with my experience that just isn't ever the case.

After a call to the office, an hour and a half drive and a 15 minute visit we were faced with a new diagnosis and scheduled for an emergent cerclage at dark thirty the next morning.  That night was a struggle to say the least, my emotions would run the gamut from one extreme to the next within minutes and my poor husband just sat back and watched.  It's hard to explain to someone that hasn't experienced the same.  It's almost as though I was working through the 7 stages of grief, I was already struggling with what we had to do to bring a healthy child into this world and now this?   Even for me, someone who wasn't expecting a "perfect" pregnancy I certainly wasn't expecting what took place. 

We left for the house at 2:30am the following morning, arrived at the hospital by 4, and was I was in the OR by 5:45.  The only way to describe the entire procedure is as a God thing.  The OR was unbelievably cold and for me, someone who is cold natured anyway it was miserable.  As I sat on the operating table waiting for them to place the spinal I tried and tried and tried to bring portions of James to mind.  (I participated in the Beth Moore study last April and have large amounts committed to memory...or so I thought.)  No matter how hard I tried though it just wouldn't come but something else did.  If you have never heard Louie Giglio's Star Mash Up its worth the 14mins of your life.  Over and over this began to play in my mind, as they laid me back, as the doctor suited up, as the surgery started it remained in the background.  When two minutes later my doctor said "You are open (dilated)" the Lord graciously made it louder, drowning out everything else in the room until the procedure was complete. 

Our doctor later told the hubs that we would have lost our little girl within a week if we had not gone into the office that day.  That next week?  Was Christmas.  I was immediately overwhelmed by God's goodness and provision in spite of my crappy attitude.

And that was the beginning of this unexpected journey, the twists and turns have been many but God is faithful, so in Him I will rest...